Habits That Will Transform Your Relationship with Your Adult Kids

Habits That Will Transform Your Relationship with Your Adult Kids

For many of us, our children – no matter their age – will always be seen as our children. The hitch, of course, is that being a parent to an adult child is a far different experience than parenting a toddler or teenager. What your child needed from you five, 10 or even 20 years ago isn’t what’s needed today.

If your relationship with your adult child isn’t what you want it to be, don’t despair. There are some simple, common-sense guideline you can follow to foster the development of a happier, healthier connection with your now grown-up child.

Keep It to Yourself: When your adult child comes to you with an issue about their career, relationship or even their own kids, it’s easy to assume they’re seeking your input. The reality, however, is that they might merely be looking for a compassionate sounding board and the opportunity to vent. Make sure as the conversation unfolds to determine whether your child is actually seeking advice before you weigh in with any.

Project Faith: Unless there is an overriding reason not to, always project faith in your adult child’s capacity to handle difficult situations. This will bring the two of you closer together, as the child will pick up on the sense that you consider him or her a peer, a competent adult ready to take on life’s many challenges.

Drop the Blame Game: If the relationship between you and your adult child is strained, the last thing you want to do is dwell on the roots of that disruption. Simply put, blaming yourself or your child is not going to make things any better. Instead, turn blame into a personal responsibility to do better. Looking back will not help the situation; moving forward together will.

Regular Check Ins: Given the pace of life in 21^st century America, it easy for parents to assume no news is good news when it comes to their adult child. If there was a crisis, the thinking goes, they would let you know. Smart parents, however, know the value of periodic check-ins. Initiating a check-in, whether in-person or over the phone, demonstrates that you care and that you’re open to giving and receiving feedback that in the long run can enhance the relationship.

You Don’t Know How It Feels: It sounds like a no-brainer but bears repeating nonetheless: never tell your adult child how they should think or feel. That means steering clear of phrases that discount or minimize their experience, like “That didn’t happen” or “Don’t feel that way.” Remember that most disagreements between two people who care about each other are typically more about underlying feelings than they are the topic at hand. Instead of focusing on the details, focus on the emotions and demonstrate that you’re ready to listen.

Set Boundaries: Adult children may set boundaries with their parents around certain charged topics of conversation, like their appearance, finances or career choice. Rather than bristling at these requests, parents should listen and honor those boundaries and even commend the child for standing up for what they need to make the relationship work.
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At Harmony Communities, we feel strongly that each resident has a sense of home. That they come home from work and feel pride in their environment and in their place in the greater community. That families are comfortable raising children in our neighborhoods, and that couples and singles know that they belong to something bigger than their four walls. In other words, we seek to create harmony within each community, making our communities not just passable, but peaceful, safe, functional, and beautiful.